(A very overdue) August no-buy check in

What I actually bought

Groceries – on budget
Peppermint capsules (£4.95) – routine purchase to support healthy digestion
Dry shampoo x 2 (£4.98) – full size and travel size in preparation for my vacation, not a replacement technically
Eyebrow threading (£4.00) – my eyebrows really grew out and I had a job interview coming up so wanted to be in my best shape
Mental health workbook (£16.11) – exempt from my no-buy rules as essential to my mental health and overall wellbeing
Voice acting course (£135) – new season course which I’m really excited about, self-development

Lessons learned

What I would buy again

Given how impulse purchases and spending in general is closely linked to emotions and wanting to make ourselves feel better, I thought it would be a good idea to look through the past 8 months and see whether my spending correlated with the level of enjoyment I felt from the purchase. Here is a list of my top experiences of the year so far and what made them so valuable:

Spa day for my friend’s birthday – relaxing massage and afternoon tea
Developing a trusting friendship with one of my colleagues and working on my social skills
Acting classes – learning to be my authentic self, developing friendships and making connection
Trip to Bath – architecture, brunch and a catch up with one of my closest friends
Joining the gym – physical fitness,
My friend’s Armenian wedding – feeling happy for the couple, dancing at the wedding, weather, atmosphere and welcoming local people, unexpected day spent in Kiev with a fellow cancelled flight passenger
Reading books like ‘Becoming’ by Michelle Obama

The common theme here is that none of these are actual physical items I purchased (even books, I get free from the library), although they may have been expensive in cost, there were also plenty of free things that brought me just as much, if not more joy. Logistically, I had to pay to travel to destinations like the spa, Bath and Armenia, but it was the people, the nature, the memories (and the food!) that will be remembered.

2. What I wouldn’t buy again

I’ve also decided to do a count of how much money I would’ve saved if I only spent it on the things that actually brought me joy and value this year. In other words, these are the items I wouldn’t purchase if I knew then what I know now:

IT Cosmetics CC Cream (£12.99) – terrible colour for my skin and I wasn’t happy with coverage either, fell for Youtube influencer recommendation
Movement acting class (£60) – as much as I enjoyed the first acting class and reaped lots of benefits from it, I had my doubts about this one and I should’ve listened to my intuition
Sweater comb (£1.89) – bought in March, still haven’t used it yet, probably will do now that the autumn is here and sweaters will be out soon but at the time justified it as a ‘side hustle’ purchase
Origins Clear Improvement Charcoal Honey Mask (£30.00) – fell for the Youtube influencer advertising again, as much as I enjoyed using the mask and the look and feel of it, I didn’t notice any difference for my skin which is normally non-responsive to most products anyway, I have plenty of masks which I should be using up and that’s what I’m going to do for the rest of the year
Clinique Superbalanced Makeup (£25.50) – this is part of that FeelUnique order that I placed because of the free beauty bag offer, 3 out of 5 items in that order I regretted buying and I pretty much knew this would be the case when placing the order but I was blinded by the offer and the free gifts. The shade is OK but I don’t like how the foundation sits on my skin and wouldn’t repurchase it as I can find cheaper alternatives
This Works Deep Sleep Pillow Spray (£19.50) – knew this is unlikely to work but once again was conditioned by seeing this on the website many times before, it might work for some and feels indulgent but I agree with one of the reviews that it is an overpriced lavender spray.
100% pure rosehip oil (£14.95) – added this to my order when purchasing a birthday gift for my friend to get free shipping, I’ve had several facial oils at the time that I could’ve happily used as a cleanser and this wasn’t a true replacement
Photo Meditations course by Susannah Conway (£127 with discount) – my regret at buying this is no way a reflection on the course itself which was thoughtfully designed, but instead on the fact that I didn’t spend the necessary time to actively practice the exercises to learn the material and use it in my everyday life. However, I’ve reiterated a lesson which I knew before in that online courses don’t work for me and the only thing that is value for money is a face-to-face, you-have-to-turn-up-to-learn kind of thing that keeps me accountable
Bath Abbey bookmark (£2) – an impulse purchase which was pretty much immediately regretted. I do use this bookmark regularly (because I feel guilty at purchasing it) and it’s nice to look at but to be honest, I’m perfectly happy and content with using free paper bookmarks and random cards and tickets for the purpose and I like the feeling of repurposing something
ActionAid period kit donation (£3) – in no way do I regret supporting this charity and making this tiny contribution towards this cause, but I will admit that I did it for all the wrong reasons – getting the free canvas tote and feeling better about myself, it was also a very impulsive thing.
Thayer’s witch hazel toner (£13.89) – this was a replacement but unnecessary as I use toners very inconsistently and normally don’t find them making a difference for my skin and once again I fell for the illusion that this miracle product/ingredient might cure my skin
Tagging gun & needles (£14.67) –Ebay business purchase, once used once
Cetraben cream (£9.00) – prescribed by my nurse for cracked, dry hand skin, I’ve had the opportunity to try this beforehand and did have a strong feeling that it’s not the right product for my problem but went ahead and bought it because it was the professional advice, should’ve listened to that gut feeling instead (again!)
Sweaty Betty leggings x1, sports bras x2 (£154) – while it is true that I needed some workout clothes as I didn’t have any and I am working out a minimum of 4 times a week, the 1^st pair of leggings I bought is all I tend to use on the weekly basis and it was unnecessary to purchase the thermal running leggings which I might only use in winter, as well as 2 extra sports bra because I didn’t check whether they were comfortable enough (Medium size fits but I should’ve gone for the Large)
Alo Yoga black leggings (£90) – whilst these leggings are absolutely gorgeous and a joy to wear, they are expensive what I really needed was just a pair of plain black high-waisted stretchy workout leggings. I kept them because I wanted them and I should’ve instead reminded myself what it is that I actually needed
Fabletics cropped sports top (£30) – again, whilst I love this top and it looks amazing, I would’ve been so much better off with just a plain sweat-wicking sports top as this one only has a limited purpose of wearing it to yoga/pilates during the hotter months and not all year round which is what I need
Minimalist’s podcast ($8 per month for 3 months – approx. £20) – whilst I think this podcast is amazing and I’ve enjoyed listening to the longer episodes, I was only able to catch up with a small number of them (because I had problems accessing them on my phone) and therefore it wasn’t worth the money for me personally
Peppermint capsules (£4.95) – 2^nd re-purchase was unnecessary as I’m not currently regularly using them and didn’t find them that effective the 1^st time round but felt obliged to repurchase as at least it was something that was helping

Potential to save: £633.34

The common theme here is that pretty much every single item on this list is something that my no-buy states that I shouldn’t buy (and clearly for a reason), because I have previously learned that the value for money (or rather joy for money) on these things is not worth it or is completely non-existent.

The other theme that comes up often is that I recognise that the product/purchase is worth the money and is of good quality, however, I purchased it either for the wrong reasons or wasn’t able to get value out of it for some reason.

I really do hope that these reflections will help me make wiser purchasing decisions going forward so that I can keep my spending habits under control for the rest of the year (and beyond!) and reach my savings goal.

No editing.

Well, it’s been a while and it’s October already.

I’ve had a real moment (more like several hours) today of feeling lost and just not seeing any purpose or meaning in my existence.

Yes, I go to the gym, I enjoy it, it’s good for me and I see differences in my appearance but what’s the point if no one but me gets to see it, I don’t go anywhere and my fit, young body is wasting away and not getting any younger?

Yes, I’m making attempts at dating and appear normal to other people and I’m sure I can continue doing so for some time but what’s the point if when it comes to it I’ll either show my true self and ruin everything or just feel irresponsible to put an unsuspecting person through the suffering of being with me?

Just like what’s the point of applying for jobs when I feel like a fraud every time and I know I’ll mess it up eventually – it’s one thing to get a job, it’s completely another to hold it down?!

What’s the point of planning for the new month when I know I’ll change my mind about my goals and I don’t actually know what it is that I want and who I am?

I know I’m catastrophising and those feelings of crying uncontrollably did pass eventually.

And I know that the weather has a lot to do with my current mood and probably hormones are involved too.

And that having all this time on my hands was only initially good for me because now it breeds rumination, worry, anxiety and questioning my whole existence because I just have too much time.

And that given the evidence of how I recently coped at work, I will most likely be fine dealing with customers or at least should be able to ask for help of take a breather.

I also know that I’m perfectly justified in feeling frustrated at the injustice of my situation, at this debilitating illness which is holding me back, at having to sacrifice my best years to fighting it (or learning to live with it as they say). At having all these ideas and dreams and not being able to realise them because I keep changing my minor because I simply don’t know where to start.

And knowing that I live in the same house with the culprits of this situation, who have unknowingly and through no fault of their own have set me up for a lifetime of suffering. And suffer even more themselves, because of it.

Sometimes I feel like screaming out loud at the top of my lungs, at the injustice of this whole situation, at the injustice that this attractive, intelligent girl that is me is having her youth and talent wasted away in a minimum-wage job, with barely any social life and no one to love her as a woman.

And it pains me to know that I’m not the only one out there. There’re lots of us, at various stages of our illness (or recovery), shut off from the world, battling every day, if not every minute.

Yes, I’m focusing on this too much and once I get back to actually doing something worthy with my time, my mind will be occupied and I’ll feel better.

But the underlying feeling of being lost and wasting my life will not go away. Because it’s true.

The truth will always come out.

In my experience, this statement applies fully to telling the truth to yourself, even if it’s simply about your own emotions.

Recently, I went through a family situation where due to a combination of my procrastination and factors out of my control, my family has missed out on an important family occasion and a long-anticipated holiday. Once I realised where the situation was heading, I did everything I could to turn it around, but unfortunately it was too late.

That’s when I started to get consumed by my guilt. I shut myself off from my parents, I couldn’t enjoy conversations with people I care about, I became excessively tired and anxious. The whole time I thought I was dealing with it and convinced myself that this was the way to go.

Turns out I was just making myself more miserable by denying myself an opportunity to seek out solutions and emotional support from others. When asked about the whole situation (which happened often at work), I would refuse to show my true feelings. Sure, I would say all the appropriate words about feeling guilty and disappointed, but I refused to let myself truly feel it. Instead, I would bang on about how hopeful I am of a positive outcome and how there’s nothing much I can do so there’s no point worrying about it. Which seems like a good strategy because worrying about something you have no control over only serves to create unnecessary suffering.

But acceptance and changing perspective are only the second step; I completely skipped over the first one which is equally, if not even more important! That step is to acknowledge your feelings and let yourself feel them. Don’t shut them off and pretend they don’t exist. Because try as you might to not let them out, they willcome out, sooner or later, and it will be uglier than if you simply admitted it to yourself. They’ll manifest in you not being able to sleep and feeling drained and not wanting to talk to people and being constantly anxious. Not a very pleasant way to live your life, is it?

I was lucky that on this particular occasion the whole thing lasted just over a week before it resolved. In an ugly breakdown and an argument with a lot of self-blaming but it did resolve pretty quickly. On other occasions, people hide the truth from themselves for years before admitting it or letting it eat away at them in the form of illness like cancer, mental health issues, relationship breakdowns and whatever else the body comes up with in order to deliver its message: “You need to wake up and listen to the truth!”

This internal conflict may be low-key background noise most of the time but it’s always there. And perhaps some of us are able to carry on like this and tolerate it indefinitely but life doesn’t work that away and truth is always revealed, sooner or later. And that doesn’t mean that the whole world will find out about your ‘sins’ and you’ll be publicly shamed, which is perhaps a common fear. What it means is that there’ll come a moment when you’ll have to admit the truth to yourself. It may be tomorrow or it may be on your deathbed (one certainly hopes not). And there’s no hiding from it because there’s no hiding from yourself. The only ways I can think of to live in denial is to numb yourself with alcohol or drugs which surely isn’t an option for most people. More subtly, your mind also comes up with clever defence mechanisms to protect itself from the subconscious and minimise harm from painful thoughts and memories, such as suppression, denial and rationalisation – you take a pick.

So where does that leave us? As Elizabeth Gilbert, the best-selling author of “Eat, Pray, Love” says: “Start with the truth because that’s where you’ll end up anyway”. I say: if you know what the truth is, start with it and see where it’ll take you and be brave. If you’re not sure, but you know there’s something going on there, start with what you do know, follow it and be curious, don’t ignore or deny it, and most certainly don’t rely on my favourite tactic which is to try and convince myself to feel and think the opposite of what’s in my heart because I think I should. Stick with what you do know, be true to yourself and being true to others will come so much easier as a result.

July no-buy check in

What I was tempted to buy and how I overcame the temptations

Fabletics burgundy exercise headband (£7) – during high-intensity workouts like Spin, my hair is a sweaty mess that constantly gets in the way. I had to remind myself, however, that I generally find headbands uncomfortable and irritating.
Sunhat on holiday (~£5) –was tempted to buy this in Armenian 40 degrees Celsius heat but it’s unlikely that I’ll wear it regularly
Aveda phomollient™ styling foam (£16.30)– I have fine hair which loses its volume at the roots extremely quickly. This product has raving reviews but the reason I’ve been hesitated to buy it is because I’ve been disappointed many times before because of my high expectations for a product.
Total saved: £28.30

What I actually bought:

Groceries– within the budget
Aussie volume shampoo (£5)– the best shampoo I’ve ever used, makes my hair gorgeously silky and creates more volume
Fabletics cropped sports top(£30) –2^ndsports top I own, lovely for pilates/yoga classes
Wedding greetings card(£1.79)
Holiday spending money (£350 + £20.75 airport train transfer) – I didn’t record my spending whilst on holiday so won’t recollect the exact amounts. This is what I spent on eating out, groceries and transportation and a small bottle of hairspray for the wedding which I couldn’t carry in hand luggage and left with the hotel staff for someone to use up.

Lessons learned:

I’m pleasantly surprised at the amount of physical purchases this month, although I should’ve and could’ve avoided getting the sports top. In all honesty, I knew that I didn’t really NEED it and I still willingly broke my no-buy rules because I could (sort of) justify the purchase as practical. My life wouldn’t be significantly worse without it. Next time, I need to listen to my intuition talking which is far more reliable than that ‘just in-case’ voice and do not keep something unless 100% sure!
My main concern around accumulating too much stuff is not money/space/energy, as important as they are. It’s actually how taxing getting rid of something turns out to be, both practically and emotionally, especially if it’s a high-cost item. When buying something, we don’t really think about the end of its life, how and when we’ll dispose of it, because we’re so focused on the dopamine-rush of acquiring and using the item. This question only crops up once we attempt to minimise our possessions. And then the problem with that is that sometimes we get rid of stuff only to replace it with more, ‘better’ alternatives, cluttering up the environment in this constant cycle. Having stopped the acquisition of physical items (apart from replacement toiletries and make-up) for the year, I’m now questioning how essential the purchase of certain foods is, especially those in reusable containers. Although environmentally much better, reusable containers almost always do get reused or ‘saved for later’ in my household by my mum which contributes to additional unnecessary clutter. From now on, I want to use the following decision-making process: Do I really need this for survival/wellbeing? Can I use something I already have for this function? What’s the cheapest and most sustainable option I can find?
Although I’m barely buying physical goods this year, I’ve been spending more money than usual on non-physical things – food, entertainment/experiences and self-development. A good example of this is my new takeaway coffee habit which has previously only surfaced during particularly stressful times in my life. I do limit it to once-a-week treat but it’s the mentality behind it that concerns me – it’s used as a reward or consolation which is exactly how I used shopping before, to avoid dealing with my emotions in healthier ways. Once I realised what was happening, I’ve attempted to impose a limit on my spending in these areas but I’ll admit that to this day, I’ve been treating it as more of a guideline, happy if I’ve stayed within the budget but not taking active steps to reduce my spending. Although initially I started off the year intending to only purchase essentials, there’re things that I’ve gotten so much value from, like attending my friend’s wedding and taking acting classes, that have been fully worth the price I paid for them. I’m aiming to eliminate the other little (or not so little) things that have cost me money but didn’t make the return I hoped for. And that’s a lot of what this no-buy year is about, making better purchasing decisions as well as learning to appreciate and use what I already have. Like so many things in life, it’s an imperfect process, not a perfect destination.
I believe that the main culprit for my unsuccessful budgeting is not knowing what I’m saving for. I started off the year aiming to save a certain amount of money (which turned out to be unrealistic given my essential costs). The first step was £1000 emergency fund (which I have). I have several shorter trips planned this year and would eventually like to go on an extended trip. I would also like to get my own living space (once I get a more stable, better paid job and know where I want to settle for the next few years). As satisfying as it is to have a good amount of money in your account, if there isn’t a bigger motivation not to spend it, it’ll fall prey to short-term gratification in the form of food and experiences. What is your bigger vision?

Going forward, I’m re-iterating my no-buy rules for the remaining 5 months of the year:

No purchases of clothes or accessories of any kind, unless I can’t survive without it (tights)
Beauty items are replacement-only, prioritise using up alternatives
Consider packaging when buying groceries: is it something I definitely want to consume and will benefit my health?
Minimising costs when travelling – for example, consider the luxuries I need/won’t use in a hotel room, save on transportation costs when possible.

Doing what you love.

That is the question on my mind lately. Here is why: no activity brings me more joy than singing does and I’ve dreamed of becoming a singer since I was a child. However, I’ve never truly considered it as a viable career because no one around me did; my mum and I both agreed that I am too emotionally fragile to survive in the world of show business. Which is true. But what we failed to consider is that the reason I love singing and I’m good at it is because it’s an emotional activity: it affects the audience deeply when done passionately and me being emotional is why I do it (and should do it) in the first place.

They’re two sides of the same coin. The thing that would make it difficult for me to become successful and survive as a singer is also the very thing that gives me any chance of being any good at it. Because no one who has ever touched hearts through their voice and music has done it by being level-headed and down to earth about it. It’s the absolute pure emotion that gets the message across and allows the audience to feel what you want them to feel.In any case, even though it’s the only thing I truly wanted to do and I had potential for it, a conscious decision has been made that it won’t work out and of course, that lack of belief determined the ultimate outcome.

Creative vs analytical.In the same vein, I’ve never considered myself to be creative even though I danced, took piano lessons, loved singing and wrote poems when I was younger. Wait, what?Who gets to decide if you’re creative or not, is there a special definition you have to meet or is it as simple as creating things?

Singing and poem writing were especially precious to me as they were my coping mechanism for any strong emotions and upsets in life – I’d just put it all down on paper and make it rhyme. In retrospect, I’ve noticed a theme: my poems were good when I wrote simply to express emotion, when I didn’t care about writing in the ‘right’ way and what others thought about it. But when I wrote with the goal of creating a good poem, I tried too hard and became too self-conscious and this immediately reflected in my writing: too forced, too ‘proper’, something man-made trying to pass as nature-created. Turns out you can never quite duplicate something that would’ve derived naturally, from pure emotion.

And then I just stopped writing and any of my attempts to get back into it were unsuccessful. Perhaps it was just a period of teenage poem-writing that was bound to end… Or, what seems to me the most likely scenario, I simply became too ‘adult’ and too self-conscious to write straight from the heart, saying the ‘right’ thing and monitoring my words became more important.

That moment metaphorically closed the door on what identified me as creative. Instead, I decided (with some help from school) that it would be easier to put myself into another, more straightforward box that labelled me as ‘analytical’ and mathematically inclined. This label is not a lie entirely. I’m good at maths and I get great satisfaction from solving problems but that’s only a part of me! I’m not just this one box, in fact I am both creative and analytical and probably so much more that I’m yet to discover. It’s convenient for us to see being ‘analytical’ and ‘creative’ as polar opposites because they require an (arguably) different way of thinking, a different set of skills. But that doesn’t mean they can’t flourish, in harmony, in one person. Instead, the combination of these skills is enriches our personality and our experience of life.

Body vs Mind.Similarly, until recently I always thought that my value and strength were contained in my mind, I was always academic and appreciated the power of mind so much more than the body. In fact, I didn’t have the most cooperative relationship with my body, especially in terms of coordination. Aside the fact that you can’t separate body and the mind as they are so delicately interconnected, I couldn’t be more wrong in undervaluing my body. Exercise showed me what an amazing creation it actually is, muscles and bones working in harmony to create movement.

I would be following the same path of ignorance if I dismissed a whole set of skills I possess, be it ‘analytical’ or ‘creative’, only because it won’t pay my bills. It’s insane, because I don’t actually know what is possible for me and there are people who do make their living as singers or in other creative professions. In fact, who said that the only purpose of me singing or writing poems has to be making money? There doesn’t need to be a purpose at all! It’s just something that is highly enjoyable and I need to carry on doing because why would you stop doing something that makes you feel amazing?

The caveat here is that simply enjoying myself doesn’t satisfy the deeper need that all of us humans have to contribute to the society. My burning desire to help people most likely originates from the need to help myself and use that experience for the benefit of others. The actual path to achieving this is still unclear to me. Perhaps it’s a case of doing what I love with everything I’ve got, whilst being open to opportunities and seeing where that’ll get me. After all, the Universe’s specialty is giving us exactly what we need in the most unexpected ways, even when we’re convinced it’s something else that we want.

We just need to believe.

To give up, to give in…

To give up, to give in, to melt into a puddle

Not something you’d express out loud

But wait – how did I get myself into this muddle?

I missed the moment when it became allowed!

Amongst the praise, achievement and big plans –

Such music to my ears, so neat on paper,

My voice got muffled, my fragile stance

Became invisible, a vapour.

But dare I guilt them for believing

That talent and hard work is all you need?

As long as I don’t stop ‘achieving’…

June no-buy check in

What I was tempted to buy and how I overcame the temptation

Hoop earrings – this is a type of item I’m lusting over as opposed to a specific pair of earrings. I’ve been really enjoying wearing my simple hoop earrings lately, but unfortunately I’ve lost one of the closures and can no longer wear them. This leaves me with just one pair of earrings, my favourite gold pair, as I’ve decluttered the rest because they don’t feel very ‘me’. I would really appreciate a bit of variety for the summer. However, considering that I’ve relaxed the rules for some of the categories already, I’m determined to definitely not purchase any jewellery, clothes or shoes until the end of the year.
Sports tops – it would be useful to have some more variety with my sports tops as I only have one that’s specifically designed for exercise and use normal T-shirts for my workouts most of the days.
‘Captivate’ by Vanessa Van Edwards – I borrowed this book from the library and would really appreciate having my own copy that I can refer to as I use the strategies from the book one by one. I plan on getting a second-hand copy once my ‘no buy year’ is over.

What I actually bought:

Groceries –£20 below my budget, the first time since January when I spent less on groceries than I budgeted for. I’ve actually overspent my weekly allowance in the first 2 weeks of the month and then made a conscious effort to use up what I already have and made several healthier swaps too (porridge instead of muesli/granola, switched back to plant-based milks and being mindful about my consumption of sugar)
Vichy Dermablend SOS concealer (£12.90)– replacement. Even though this concealer is perfect for my needs, I like its creamy texture and the colour is a very good match, I’m not happy with how quickly it ran out considering it lasted just over a month. Therefore, I’ll be looking for alternatives.
Gymshark sports leggings and sports bra (£42.50)– Even though I started running in January, I only own one pair of sports capris and no proper sports bras at all. Since I now require a change of gym clothes Monday to Friday, I really couldn’t go on without getting something for comfort and hygiene reasons. I’ve made the decision to make an exception in my rules as the goal of my no-buy is not to make my life miserable and it’s more of a priority for me to exercise regularly than to religiously stick to my rules on this occasion. I didn’t choose second-hand items as I struggled to find leggings that fit me perfectly and wouldn’t want to purchase a second-hand bra for hygiene reasons.
Cath Kidston umbrella (£16) –I owned an umbrella at the beginning of the year so didn’t anticipate having to buy one, however, I’ve recently lost the one I had. We’ve had a few weeks of constant rain in the UK and it really wasn’t practical for me not to have an umbrella. I’ve ended up returning this particular umbrella as it turned out to be flimsy and too small for my height and frame and this amount has been put on a giftcard which I can spend within one year. I’ve since replaced it with an Extra strong umbrella (£3.68) from my workplace which I was able to get with a huge discount. Very happy with this umbrella as it’s black, very reliable and excellent size.
Dry shampoo (£2.99) – replacement,at this point I’m not willing to go back to my DIY dry shampoo and it’s a necessity for me as I use it almost every day.
Thayer’s witch hazel toner (£13.89) –I’ve run out of all shop-bought toners and was using a DIY apple cider vinegar toner. However, it was aggravating my skin as it’s already incredibly dry and flaky in several places due to the acne treatment I’m currently using. I’ve always wanted to try a witch hazel toner and this one contains rose water which is a bonus so I’m looking forward to observing the results.
Tagging gun & needles (£14.67) – purchased for selling my stuff on Ebay, work cost
Iron supplement (£6.30) – supplements to treat my iron-deficient anaemia
Cetraben cream (£9.00) – hand cream for severely dry and cracked skin that I’ve been suffering with, nurse’s prescription.
Haircut (£25.00) – I haven’t had a haircut since last July so it was severely overdue, this was a budget option and happy with the result
Yerevan flight tickets (£453) – plane tickets to attend my friend’s wedding in July
Sweaty Betty leggings x2, sports bras x2 (£154) – looking to keep another pair of leggings and at least one more sports bra as one of each is not enough for someone who works out 5 days a week and is unable/unwilling to do laundry several times a week.
Trip to Brighton (£30 for Railcard, £28 for the train ticket, £14 for Brunch, £13 for lunch and coffee, £4.60 for ice cream, £20.50 for Sea Life centre pass) – went on this trip with a friend and it happened to be the hottest day in UK so far this summer, had a lovely time, definitely enjoyed all the food and we were mesmerised by the sea creatures at the Sea Life centre, definitely great value for money.

Lessons learned:

Balance is more of a process and not a state as it’s more often the case that you notice something is unbalanced and you work to get it back to balance as opposed to keeping yourself in a constant state of equilibrium. I’ve observed this with my coffee consumption/sleeping pattern this month (and sleep deprivation greatly affects my impulsive spending!) and also with my spending on groceries and using up what I already have.
Intuitive/mindful eating is very helpful in combatting spending on groceries and when eating out as it can prevent me from spending money on things that I want to consume but can skip on as I’m not hungry at the time. This avoids unnecessary calorie/sugar consumption and spending which adds up.
I’ve always been quite picky with clothes in the sense that I had high standards for what I like but since January I’ve become even more thoughtful and will only keep something if it completely satisfies my criteria and is definitely something I need.

Always do the hardest thing.

I have a confession to make: I use to believe that straining myself to do something challenging would use up all of my energy, courage and willpower. Then what shall I do? I will have none left for anything else that would come after it!

The perfect illustration of this is my social skills. My current challenge is initiating small talk with complete strangers. I’ll admit that on a typical day I have quite a few opportunities to strike up a conversation with someone I haven’t spoken to before, be it at work, at the gym or when out in town. What I haven’t quite hacked yet is how to act (in this case open my mouth and have the sounds come out) before I think. Do it right before all the reasons (excuses) as to why I shouldn’t do it start pouring in: I still have the whole night of work to finish, I should conserve my energy. I need to focus on my workout, that’s the priority right now. I’m too tired, I can’t deal with this. Sounds a bit silly when it’s all written down, doesn’t it? But your mind can (and does) go to great lengths to avoid doing something hard.

It was actually during a hard set in my spin class, in that moment when everyone feels like there is nothing left to give but the trainer keeps pushing on, that I was able to draw a parallel between my struggle to speak to people and pushing myself to the limit when training. I observed a very familiar scenario with even more ‘convincing’ reasons this time: I’m anaemic and I’ve almost passed out once after an intensive class(this reason I should probably listen to). I have an 8-hour shift after this so I should not destroy my legs completely as I need to be able to walk(also valid but at most I will be just in mild discomfort and pain which indicates that my workout was effective). And my personal favourite: I didn’t get enough sleep and I’m tired (no kidding? you work nights and if you let that stop you from doing things nothing will ever get done!)

The problem with challenging these excuses is of course that they’re legitimate. But at the core of them all is the underlying assumption that doing something difficult depletes your resources. In fact, complete opposite is true: it trains the relevant muscle and generates more energy! We don’t generally have a problem accepting this with exercise. Actually, you’ve most likely experienced this yourself: no matter how tired you are before exercising, there’s no such thing as regretting a workout and even though you can be (and should be) completely exhausted afterwards, you feel renewed and refreshed thanks to those endorphins and increased blood circulation. But how often do we stop to think about how this energy production manifests itself in other areas of our life? I know I certainly didn’t until that moment of clarity in my spin class.

Looking back, however, I’ve noticed a pattern with my social skills: the scarier the action is, the higher the rewards. The more energy and effort it requires for me to speak to someone, the more energetic, motivated and joyful I feel afterwards. It couldn’t be any simpler really: you determine the results you wish to gain. Doing something mildly difficult = mild gains, doing something massively difficult = massive gains. For someone who is committed to the optimal growth doing something that is just below impossible is the recipe, you want to get yourself to the state of “just under dying”, as my spin instructor eloquently puts it. Deep down we all know this but all too often fear and exhaustion open up the floodgates for excuses to pour in and convince us otherwise, if only momentarily.

The trick is to remember in that moment: those excuses are not you. They’re your brain fulfilling its first and foremost function – protecting you from danger and keeping you alive. That part of the brain doesn’t care about improving your social skills and developing fulfilling relationships. Nor does it care about toning your body, improving strength and self-confidence, as important as all of these are to you. It cares about surviving and that’s that.

With effort and practice, however, you can start to take control of that chatter in your head and stay focused on the goals that matter to you, the you that is able to reason about this and see those excuses for what they really are: just excuses. That’s the part of me that is able to write about this now and disassociate from the thoughts that come all to eagerly into my head. You don’t have to simply accept your thoughts at face value, you should question them and evaluate whether they serve you well. If not, it’s time to let them go and replace them with something more useful.

In moments like that, think: What is it that I want?Are these thoughts helping me get there? And then go for it, do what is hard because that’s the only way to get anything worthy in life. Besides, most of the pain is temporary and the gains are far more permanent.

One way to make your thoughts your allies.

It’s true that there’s something to be learned from any mistake if you dig deep enough, but it’s no less true that we’re simply better off avoiding certain mistakes if we can help it.

As twisted as it may sound, I sometimes (often) find myself creating excuses for my bad decisions in the form of a lesson I’ve learned or even through the process of looking for one. And for me, overthinking is second nature and finding a meaningful reason is no effort at all. After all, the idea that “things are not the way they are but the way you are” goes as far back as Talmudic times.

To illustrate this point, here’s an example: Recently, I found myself stopping at a food stall at a community event in my town. I’ve just eaten lunch but felt I could do with a pastry to sweeten an already enjoyable experience (excuses). What I really fancied was an oat, seed and nut cookie (a choice made even more appealing by the fact that it was more nutritious than just about any other option on offer). However, since I’m challenging myself to being open to new experiences, I’ve decided to try something I’ve never tried before and picked a pastry with an interesting name instead. It turned out to be sponge. A brightly coloured sponge covered with coconut shavings, but nevertheless a sponge. And of all the different types of pastry sponge is my least favourite. Moral of the story according to me: when making a decision, follow your intuition and if there isn’t an option that ticks all the boxes, sometimes it’s best to just walk away and choose nothing.

So I invite you to consider the following idea with me: there is time and place for reflecting and analysing your life experiences (and learning your lessons) and that time just might not be every single moment of the day. If you at all can relate to indulging in your thoughts round the clock in lieu of living your life in the moment, it becomes imperative to have a dedicated time for all that worrying, analysing and other wonderful thought processes which when left to their own devices, yield considerably less value than they create problems.

And yes, this brings us to the concept of mindfulness, which seems to be the buzzword these days and in my opinion, for a good reason. Your thoughts are not just going to suddenly silenced once you commit yourself to being mindful. Of course, it takes regular practice for it to become more natural. One way to support this is to give your mind reassurance that it can still roam wildly, but at a time which you deem appropriate. Because you’re in charge. So for those of us who would like to replace our constant rumination with actually living our life yet also subscribe to Socrates’ notion that “life unexamined is not worth living”, I propose setting up a dedicated ‘reflecting’ (or ‘thinking’ or ‘worrying’) time, originally created as a therapy tool with a more specific purpose than freehand journaling.

Most of us thrive to live an intelligent life, to examine our experiences critically and ultimately to learn our lessons and change our behaviour. Therefore, creating this contract with yourself to fully focus on the present moment whilst knowing that you have factored in some ‘thinking’ time can already be a great relief. And this can look differently to different people. You might find that you need several check-ins during the day, to tune-in into how you’re feeling, physically and emotionally and to take steps to restore balance. Try combining this with a longer journal entry to unwind at the end of the day. Having a structure can be helpful here and you might ask yourself the following questions: “What is on my mind currently? Is it something that requires action and I can plan for or is it best to just let it go?” “What have I experienced today that brought me a lot of value? Why is it that it was such a rewarding experience and how can I can recreate it?” Or simply scanning your body for sensations and asking yourself a compassionate (imagine talking to a dear friend): “How am I doing?”

Of course this isn’t going to be a perfect process (but then what is?), but that doesn’t mean it cannot be effective for our purpose of alleviating internal stress and living a healthier, more satisfying life. As humans, we often treat our thoughts as authority on things and trust them to reflect our reality. That’s when we forget that our thoughts are a product of so many influences: our upbringing and experiences, media brainwashing and opinions of others, sometimes even dysfunctions in our bodies, physical or mental. It is more constructive (and as evidence increasingly shows, more reflective of reality), however, to adopt the mentality that you are in charge of your own thoughts and not the other way around. Attachment aside, not all of our thoughts deserve the privilege of being taken seriously and even seeing the light of day. Only you can determine what a successful life looks like for you and your thoughts can either be your biggest allies or your biggest enemies on your journey towards that life. This is simply one way to make them work for you. Remember: thoughts trigger emotion and emotion is a catalyst for action.

I’m letting go of labels.

Recently I’ve realised how debilitating and confined I made myself feel by attempting to conform to the labels (real or perceived) given to me by others or myself. How up until now I was trying to ‘always do the right thing’ to appear as smart or introverted or shy or however else I thought people expected me to behave. And that’s where a lot of my perfectionism stemmed from and I’ve established by now that perfectionism really hasn’t done me a lot of good. Sure, it helped me achieve some things which are viewed as valuable by society, but haven’t necessarily enhanced my life and happiness. Instead, it has triggered a lot of self-criticism, shame, guilt, constant self-monitoring and self-consciousness. And my self-image has suffered tremendously as a result although the paradox is that there wasn’t really a self-image to start with – I didn’t know who I was, I didn’t feel comfortable enough just being myself and behaving naturally. Instead, I attempted to use others as my role models – be it my mum, my friends or celebrities. And although I could identify with certain aspects of their personality or style or I wanted to adopt some of their qualities for myself, I ultimately would end up at square one, realising that “I’ll never be like them” and with increased sense of failure.

Of course, the whole of this time what I’ve been struggling with is actually posing the correct question as opposed to not being able to find the answer to the question. What I was trying to figure out is who I should emulate in order to become better, more perfect, more successful, but most importantly, more happy or even simply content with myself and my life. Whereas the question all along was “who am I and how do I bring out the best in myself?”. Because the answer all along was simple: just being myself authentically, without judgment and criticism, without trying to stuff myself into a million neat little boxes with a label on them.

To be continued…